In Memory
by Torie Rilistkrytcat
Summary: You never forget your first love. Gwen looks back on her relationship with Trent. A oneshot I wrote AGES ago and randomly decided to publish now, implied Gwent and Duncney. Anti D/G.


**I'm trying to clear out my old word documents. This is an ANCIENT little piece from when I used to write in first person. I thought _Why not?, _cleaned up some of the writing style and posted it. Hope it's OK.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Total Drama.**

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I've always remembered my first love. It's not something you forget easily; you can repress it, try not to think about it, move on with your life, but it'll always stay at the back of your mind, occassionally rearing its head and taking you on unplanned trips down memory lane.

My first love was a musician. I still remember him, in a little too much detail; his dark hair that always had a habit of falling into his eyes, and the way his voice rang out when he sang, always harmonic and perfectly soft. I've heard Duncan sing now and again, and though he's not terrible, there's something lacking from his music. His songs don't have the same emotion that _his_ did; they're angry, violent and passionate, but somehow they're never able to move me the way _his_ always could.

I try not to think about him. I made my choice, and I am adamant that I will pull through with it. Duncan loves me, or at least I believe he does. He is my best friend, my soul mate. We share so many interests and opinions that it is uncanny. We attend rock concerts together, wear the same style clothes, laugh at how terrible and irritating preppy people are... I love him. Or that's what I tell myself. He makes me happy; isn't that the same thing as love?

The truth is, I often doubt if Duncan really loves me too. Sometimes, a small thing triggers a memory in him and I see his face soften and I know that he's thinking about _her_. Courtney. His first love too. I think sometimes that maybe he's still in love with her. This should hurt me, but it doesn't, because I am just as deceitful.

Why did I break up with Trent? Why did I ruin a relationship with so much potential? I was young, and stupid. I thought that a guy had to be perfect, that a relationship had to automatically work out. His obsession with a number was admittedly a little disturbing, but we all have quirks. I had an obsession with gory horror movies- looking back, that was probably no better than Trent's fixation with nine. All those things he did that made me upset he did because he loved me, because he cared about me and wanted me to remain in the game. And what did I do? I cast him aside. I was too fickle to committ to a relationship and so I broke the heart of the first boy I ever loved.

Duncan and I were both so swept up in the moment when _it_ happened. I think I may have been attracted to him, but it was never in quite as much as a deep and meaningful way as Trent.

Our stupid little kiss hurt four people in total. The first and most direct blow was dealt to Courtney; selfishly, both Duncan and I betrayed her trust. She lost her boyfriend and the closest thing she had to a friend in the game in one thoughtless act of passion. The second blow hit Trent; though the days when we were a couple were long gone, I knew he still had feelings for me. He never said anything, but I could see the heartbreak in his face each time Ducnan and I kissed. And the last two people Duncan and I hurt when we kissed in that dingy bathroom?

We hurt ourselves.

Everyone expects us to have a perfect relationship. We stay together, stay happy, but it is because we are obliged to. I like Duncan a lot, and he likes me, so our relationship teeters on. But there is no love in it, and though neither of us will admit it we both regret our spontaneous actions all those years ago. His face lingers on photos of Courtney, and I see guilt he is too proud to voice flash across his face. He wishes that it is her, and not me, he kisses. My wish is the same; I would give anything to be looking into those deep, thoughtful green eyes...

But I am not, so I must deal with it. I will not dwell in the past. I will not mourn over what could have happened. I am with Duncan now, and we will stay together. We are happy, and I tell myself firmly that I love him, as he loves me. Of course I love him; of course he loves me.

_Liar..._

I drop the photo into the trashcan, refusing to look at it again, see the image taken so long ago, of a boy with one arm around a guitar and one arm around me. You always remember your first love, and no matter how hard you try, you never really move on. But you pretend, you live your life as though it never really happened. I may have made stupid, selfish decisions that I can not undo, but I will not thinm about them any more. No good will ever come from dwelling over things you can't change.

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**Yeah, I wrote this ages ago. I'm not really a huge Gwen fan, but I really miss Gwent and Duncney.**

**Gwuncan fans, hate on this fic all you want. I honestly don't care.**


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